Another Hook

[jana_denardo]

This time for a proposed novel with my demon hunters, Temple, Caleb & Agni. Their past adventures can be found in Snowbound in Dreamspinner's Necking anthology and A Brief Respite is 'Halloween Candy" and is hidden somewhere on my publications page to be found here on my author’s page

Given their good reception so far I wanted to write something longer with them. Thanks to Kim and her hooked on hooks challenge I'm getting the chance to trot out the novel's hook (so again THANKS).

The bruises around his neck hadn’t faded so Temple pulled his uniform collar tight. No sense in giving his new partner the impression he was a sloppy fighter. It wasn’t his fault a snow demon tried to strangle him. He wasn’t sure he was ready for a new partner. Temple still missed Li in so many ways.

Let me know what you think good and bad. Thank you very much.

Comments

[evil-little-dog.livejournal.com]

I think the last two sentences don't really go with the first three. They're sort of opposed to each other, two different thoughts.

I really look at the first three.

[jana-denardo.livejournal.com]

hmmm i'll look at that. to me it's one thought, 'my new partner'

[evil-little-dog.livejournal.com]

Maybe if the first sentence mentioned 'new partner'. Because the way it reads to me, it's talking about fighting, then talks about missing Li.

[jana-denardo.livejournal.com]

hmmm, it's in the second sentence since it would make no sense in the first. i'll have to look at it.

[evil-little-dog.livejournal.com]

I know. I may be overthinking it, but it does seem like there's two things going on in five lines. D:

[jana-denardo.livejournal.com]

I think you may be but maybe it needs a bridge sentence between wanting to impress the new partner while missing the old.I sort of thought it was implied but maybe n ot

[evil-little-dog.livejournal.com]

That might help, yes!

[winters-queen.livejournal.com]

Poor Temple. He's gotten the rought side of the stick this time around.

[jana-denardo.livejournal.com]

he has. this picks up right where Snowbound leaves off, poor fellow.

thanks